Kenapa Sekarang?

Years ago, I seek it. Dulu, aku berjuang untuk bisa melewati batas teman, trying to be someone that you consider as dearest.

Yes, that's back then. As I said, had it been years ago, I would have straight out say YES out of sheer dumbness, or tenacity, or both. Tabun.

I used to be full of desire to get you to acknowledge me, then. Sungguh lucu sekali, I would circumvent and try to just get any chance to meet with you. Aku menginginkan lebih, dulu.

But no, it has always been someone else. Someone else get to be your priority, your attention. Berharap lebih adalah kesalahanku, dan aku selalu menganggapnya demikian. Why chase over the skies you cannot reach?

I almost burned the entire bridge, truly. Only one more step and I know the entire relationship will turn into nothing more than smoldering ashes in the seas of lost time. You know, had you not talk to me within the short time of me settling my almost 9-years long illusion, perhaps the bridge had been burned completely, as I had wished to end it all.

There was a shadow chase I want to try, just to distract myself. A temptation I want to pursue, abandoning all my codes. I want to chase the darkness I have been so afraid, let my soul fall into the darker side of temptation. Embrace the darkness, against a word of warning foretold to me: "Jangan telat nakal."

I had accepted, released you for the man you chose for yourself. I had accepted back then, and yet the bridge feels hard to burn alone. You used to make it easier to me, with how that man of yours hated me with a burning passion. I don't blame him, as I know envy and jealousy is a sin a mortal had to bear. Yet, it was convenient for me.

So, shalt I burn the bridge had been a question I hold for so long. One hand with the flames, the other holding it from moving. It feels like a betrayal to eradicate the long 9-years friendship we had, but I would have truly complied and all turned to ashes, had that event not happened.

And as if I am being played, your relationship with him broke down. I could have put a blindfold and embrace the dark side, ignoring your silent pain from losing. Yet, my heart is unwilling. After all, you're also a friend in need. What kind of friend abandon their friend in the darkest hours? Oh wait- I am that terrible fake friend to many.

Thus, I had burned the road for any romance as I also scorched my long illusion, but I refused to burn the road of friendship out of camadarie. Funny, given I am willing to burn many without hesitation, but yours didn't. Maybe, just maybe the lingering feelings also play a part on that.

Hanya saja, seeing you shattered and torn like that broke me. I didn't know how to cheer you up, and the deafening silence... Sangat memekakkan. Aku tidak menyangka sebegitu hening dirimu. Where's the talkative friend I used to be in touch all the time?

It feels hollow. The way I used to be empath-like only worsen the feelings. Had I embraced my darkness before we met, I had hugged you, wishing to wash away all that sorrow and fix your broken wings.

And suddenly, you offered me, out of nowhere, a chance for us to be together? Ini lelucon kah? I had believed it was a joke for a short brief as I was in disbelief to hear such an offer. 

An offering that my younger self fought for. An offering that it had desired for years during our long friendship. An offering, that would have been tempting back then.

However, such an offering is now a scary prospect. Knowing I had not been doing of much worth, especially in wealth, I am not in any rush to marriage or any serious form of relationship. And yeah, it is now terrifying because of how I feel incapable these last few years.

Your seriousness, and how tattered you are made me aware: kau serius. Even when you said you yourself were surprised with how you have courage to make such a daring proposal and try to reason yourself on the why.

My current dignity refused to be an option considered for convenience, but who knows in the next few years I might be willing, hence my reply. Deep down, I am torn, but it is a matter of convenience and dignity at stake.

But who knows... Once you healed, perhaps you will meet someone else better, like you always used to do... 

Maybe this is where I do best, a healer. 

Should've taken psychology studies. Maybe something I should consider after I get a doctorate.